checking in
Feeling okay about letting some time pass in between posts instead of the usual guilt. I'm trying to change because (in the most insufferable tone you can imagine) keep your coins, man, I. need. CHANGE!!!
My tendency towards negativity and drama at weird hours of the night doesn't make me better/more productive so I'd like to start by changing that. I'm reminded of a simple animation of a guy who examines his negative thoughts and says, "wait a minute, I can think of anything I want." The other night, I saw fairies in an enchanted garden. If I pay attention to the weird patterns forming on the backs of my eyelids, I'm usually transported somewhere else airy-fairy-fairly quickly. I haven't been able to recall that much, but it's important in the moment. I can train myself to remember that stuff later. These things, like my ability to recall dreams and to meditate, ebb and flow.
With age comes wisdom and I think wisdom may be another name for mere pattern recognition. I don't believe in a paternal God but I believe in cycles and nature and infinity and that everything is exactly the same. I will change by becoming a previous version of myself, but better.